It has been SOO long since I last came on here. I apologize. Life has a tendency to get busy and fly by making it seem near impossible to do that which we enjoy. Really its just all a lazy (and quite lame) excuse, I can tell you very honestly that it certainly feels REAL while in the midst of it all. Maybe a little less Facebook or meaningless chatter and I would be surprised to find oodles of time left over for such things as blogging, knitting and cooking. (Probably the three things I wish I did more of :/ ) Although you can be assured that I would just find other meaningless things to fill my time with. ....SIGH.... to stop and breath and reconnect to direction, meaning and purpose is such an important ritual and one I find incredibly challenging to accomplish in the city. Maybe I am just blaming the city and if I were to leave the city I would find something else to blame it on, but I really do think it's the city. Life is so fast here. No one has patience, no one has time, no one cares. After having lived in Brooklyn for 8 months I returned to the countryside of Massachusetts for 2 months in the summer. The clarity and peace I found within myself during these all too short months was indescribable. It was a feeling I have had at many time in my life but ever have a felt it so acutely. The juxtaposition of brooklyn life right next to the Pioneer valley allowed me to see very clearing the environment in which I thrive vs the environment in which I struggle. After my extended vacation I returned to Brooklyn. It has been three months since my return. That connection to my purpose has faded dramatically. I find myself longing for time were I can let myself be me without holding anything in and I find myself yearning for a period of time that I can spend completely connected to the raw essence of this world: nature.
Over the last few days I have had several conversations that have left me feeling that maybe I'm just not good enough. That I don't have what it takes to make it in the real world. Or that I'm incredibly immature and seriously need to figure my life out and grow up or I will be miserable forever. Now, I don't want to write these feelings off because there are elements of reality in them. However, we learn in Torah that Hashem continues to send us messages until we really listen. Sometimes we understand the first time and sometimes it takes many tries. When we notice that something is repeating itself in our lives it is a good sign that there is something here for us to understand and/or change about ourselves. So given the repetition of this feeling and in light of the above, I believe, with a newfound sense of direction, that I have a very clear mission. This mission is not on the beaten path and therefore living in an environment that is entirely about the beaten path is incredibly draining for me. I have to embrace this and let myself fly. And yes, I do need to get my act together, but not in the sense that others see it, but rather, start making the "impossible" very possible. I cant wait forever for the perfect situation, I need to MAKE the perfect situation. With the help of Hashem, I hope to make valiant progress toward becoming ME.
